It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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