9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Randomize
