i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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