Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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