there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
