i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Randomize
