I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
