i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
