well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
