My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
