About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
