Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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