my room smells like sperm. sweet.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Randomize
