im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize