were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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