Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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