I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
