so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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