i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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