I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
