You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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