k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
