Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
