Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
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