We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
