just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
