We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Randomize
