She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
