Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
