did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
