So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
