either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Randomize
