I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize