I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Randomize
