This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
