I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
