please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
