I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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