I'm really into asian looking animals
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
