New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
tell your sister to shave her snatch
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
