I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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