im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
