i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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