I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
