I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
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