i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize