Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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