i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
