My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I'm always down for nudity.
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