I want to have your abortion
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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