Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
