So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
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