Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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