I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
It was confusing and full of hummus
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Randomize
