I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
