I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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