Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I want her autograph on my taint
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
