I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
