sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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