So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
