Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize