Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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